Cutting Loose

I finally stopped taking them. It’s been over three years since my doctor agreed to treat me for depression.   It was humbling to have to go back to pills after being free of them for so long. But they helped pull me out of a very dark place when Andrew was so sick. I was thankful for the relief.

A few weeks ago I asked if I couldn’t try to get off the pills.The cost to keep me on Tommy’s family insurance at the school was more than we could afford each month.  So I started looking to get my own policy.  I’m unusually healthy for my nearly 49 year old body, but the rates were due to increase regardless of my low risk. Go figure… Paying that much was as good as throwing away grocery money each month. So while I was pruning the budget and things in our family were emotionally stable, meaning no one had died or was in the hospital, I decided to cut  myself loose from the antidepressants too.  Being prescription free would save even more money plus make me more marketable for acceptance with a private policy:)

It’s a scary thing to let go of, like releasing hold of a life raft because of my fear of drowning in depression. But the Lord has continued to bless me with healing from back pain, so I figured why not take the plunge again and ask for another miracle.

My doctor warned me things might get a little rough for a couple of weeks after stopping the medication. I told him I would stay intentionally close to God during that time and that He would keep me afloat.  He did! I've been pill free for three weeks and haven't even noticed a difference!

There is just no other high more intoxicating than being in God’s presence, cut loose from old securities, walking on the water with Him. Lord, I want to praise you for your mercy and grace, and give you all honor for your priceless gift of peace. 

One Breath at a Time

So here I am Lord, Lydia and Luke are off to school for their second day, Andrew is still asleep and will soon get up for online classes, and I, am breathing…just breathing.

I feel almost guilty for being alone with my thoughts.  I’d planned on keeping Lydia home 2-3 years in home school.  But I was exhausted, mom and dad need me at their house more and more, and I have felt trapped and hopeless. I guess there comes a time that sacrificing one’s self is not so noble and gallant as it is stupid. I can’t do it all, and no one ever asked me to.  No one except that annoying little critical voice in my brain that nags at me like a relentless, invisible nat buzzing in my ear.

Sooo, knowing mom’s deteriorating health, and dad’s increasing needs looming on the horizon, I was prompted to juggle priorities again and encourage Lydia to return to school.  With the help of her sweet brother Luke, she decided it would be a good thing.  I've struggled with the guilt of not being “enough” to do it all.  But the problem is “all” is a bottomless pit and my endurance is not.  So, with a mixture of sadness and relief, I’ve sent my sweet Sassy back to public school. 

She loved her first day, and so did Luke.  What a relief for me!  That doesn’t mean I’m a failure though as a home school mom.  It just means we’ve had a year of bonding and loving each other and trust building that I wouldn’t have been able to experience with her if we’d not pulled her out last year.  That is priceless!!  Now if I can just finish her memory book before this next year is over.

I sense a push of some sorts to not miss out on time with my parents. Its like Holy Spirit is letting me know time is short. We’ve been working on lots of legal things to get “affairs in order” so that Tommy and I will have an easier time when they pass on.  It’s a sobering thing to have to sit and discuss with your parents for weeks on end, but it is a part of life.  And theirs is winding down.  I won’t be sorry or have any regrets though. 

Yesterday I called to talk to mom, and daddy answered the phone.  His speech has become more garbled and if he isn’t begging to lay down out of exhaustion, he is begging to get up because he is in pain, all over.  Yet when I asked how he was today, he says, “Oh, I’m doing ok considering…”  What a trooper, my dad.  He’s always clung to life with such fervor and enthusiasm, despite the paralysis, tubes, colostomy and bags...  Yet he usually responds to my “how are you” question with something fairly positive before asking how I am doing.  You gotta love His attitude. 

This year I want to be intentional to savor each moment, conversation, crisis, complaint, every smile, hug, and encouraging word as though it were the last.  Because one day it will be.  One day I will feel the pull to call Mother to check on her and ramble on about all the latest with the kids.  One day I will feel depressed and need to hear her unconditional reassurance of how special and loved I am.  But one day I will have to remember that she is not on the other end of the phone, or the other side of that old unleveled front door.   I’ll have a life time, though, of “gosh I’m so glad I did….”  I'll have a heart full of memories and love stored up for the empty times when I can’t feel her physical presence or hear her sweet voice.   

As my favorite author Nika Maples just reminded me in a blog post “A Time for Every Purpose: Why I Am Not TeachingThis Year”, I can’t do it all.  But right now I can do this. I can worship and love God with everything that I am. I can love, care for, and savor this time with my parents. I can release Lydia back out into the public school world.  I can enjoy this last year with Andrew at home. And I can, without guilt, be good to myself, taking time to just breath.

The Forgiving "Vine"

He will turn my mourning into dancing.

During my fast this week, I did some writing about forgiving. I was too insecure to get up in front of the church last night to speak, imagine that! But I can write today from my safe place, and say quite openly that giving the Lord my full attention during those three days was life changing. I wouldn't trade the intimacy I had with Him for all the gourmet food in the world. The specifics of who I needed to forgive, I’ll keep private.  But the wisdom God gave me is what I’d like to share.

As much therapy as I’ve been through, I can say that God has helped me do some major forgiving to those that hurt me.  But just as God forgives me every day, I’m realizing that for my own sanity, I’ve got to do that for others. What I’ve realized is that the same people that hurt me in the past, have continued to wound, scar and reshape my future.Over and over again, its like a repeating "vine" segment one of my kids might post on the internet. Really, none of us are different in  our own screw ups, though. In fact God has to watch all of us daily repeating "vine" like behaviors that He'd love to interrupt the cycle of.

Anyway, God reminded me that this cycle of sinning and forgiving was the consequence of living with imperfect families, friends, and even the Church. Just as I don't want a credit limit on His grace to me, I better be willing to up the grace I extend to my own. I wish that were as easy as posting a "vine" on forgiveness... 

God began preparing my heart for the fast a week ago when he showed me Psalms 50 

⁷ “O my people, listen as I speak.

    Here are my charges against you, O Israel:
    I am God, your God!
⁸ I have no complaint about your sacrifices
    or the burnt offerings you constantly offer.
⁹ But I do not need the bulls from your barns
    or the goats from your pens.
¹⁰ For all the animals of the forest are mine,
    and I own the cattle on a thousand hills.
¹¹ I know every bird on the mountains,
    and all the animals of the field are mine.
¹² If I were hungry, I would not tell you,
    for all the world is mine and everything in it.
¹³ Do I eat the meat of bulls?
    Do I drink the blood of goats?
¹⁴ Make thankfulness your sacrifice to God,
    and keep the vows you made to the Most High.
¹⁵ Then call on me when you are in trouble,
    and I will rescue you,
    and you will give me glory.”

The greatest sacrifice I can give my Father is praise…just pure thankfulness regardless of what I'm juggling.  And in the passage, He even told me why.  So He could rescue me and I could turn around and bring the honor right back to him for what he’s done.

I get pretty riled up and even erect "I don't hear you" walls, when well-meaning people throw out simplistic answers to complex situations. But for the Spirit to show me in scripture that what He really wants above all is my thankful heart…that got my attention.

Father God, I know you’ve shown me this week that the most desirable sacrifice I can give is to praise you…always and forever. But I’ve been asking myself how I can praise you when I’m angry...depression, disappointment in people, bitterness for things not being different, self blame, and shame...perhaps those are the consequences of holding on to grudges?   

Maybe with forgiveness will come a fresh anointing of a thankful heart. Surely then, my spirit will lighten and praise will come easier, my sweet sacrifice of praise…to you. Yes, that is what you truly want from me! 

Help me to see myself and others through your eyes and then forgive, Lord. And may you turn my mourning into a life-long dance that honors you! 

Fasting ~ The Hungry Heart

Well, its day two of my all church fast about forgiveness.  I was afraid to do this.  Although I’ve tried many times to fast, I’ve never been able to complete the three days.  Anticipation of meeting with the Lord on a level that surpasses any intimacy I’ve ever known…that’s what has caused me to forge ahead of my fears. 

Anticipation of revelation, understanding, and freedom as Holy Spirit whispers to my spirit, knowing what I need, what I crave more than food.  Because through communion with my Papa, that hunger is filled.  I’ll be satisfied, thankful, and full of praise.  At least that’s what I’m hoping for.  So eagerly, like a little child, I’m waiting for my exquisite event with Him.

I half expected to wake up this morning famished and exhausted, but instead I woke up extra early, ahead of my alarm, and again…expectant.  Stepping out in trust just to let go of food seems such a silly thing, but I’m into anything that will bring me true joy. So I went outside with my coffee in hand to greet my Father with an empty stomach and a hungry heart.

In Psalms 50 I read something I thought was profound.  God told David that he didn’t care so much, didn’t even need his elaborate, extravagant animal sacrifices.  “I own them all anyway,” he said.  "What I really want is your true praise and thanksgiving.  Call on me during your hard times so that I can rescue you…and then you can give the glory to me." Praise is the real sacrifice He desires, at least that’s my street-wise understanding of what I read.

And it’s true, praise is a sacrifice, especially when life is disappointing me and I can’t see a way out.  Because praising God in spite of, requires me to give up a lot.  I have to give up expectations, and my controlling need to plan and fix.  I have to give up my natural instinct to worry, and surrender to the blunt truth that I’m not in charge. No matter how much manipulation I maneuver, I can’t “make” things happen.  True heartfelt, soul - baring praising God in all things, for me, means walking away from my right to complain and live in fear. Just the thought of exiting off that familiar road, feels like I’m leaving my security. But the Bible speaks truth.  I tend to blow off things others write, especially authors who appear to have, ahhhh, less soiled lives, thinking  ‘yeah, yeah, yeah, they just don’t get it’…but these scriptures are the real thing. And they are piercing me clean through.

It’s like He’s saying to me…"even more important than you having money to tithe lavishly, I want the most valuable sacrifice you can give to me.  I want your praise now, your thankfulness during the ‘awful awful, I will never be free of this,’ times. I want your unconditional love, Kerrie, that only you can surrender over to me.  And by the way…in return I can’t wait to rescue you so you can love and praise me even more.”

I’m thinking that forgiveness is going to tie in somewhere during the fast.  Perhaps it will more naturally flow out of a thankful heart?  We will see…