Broken Hearts, Hand in Hand

I’m by myself today, probably the first time in a while.  There are a million things I need to be doing but my mind keeps trapping me in a relentless, mentally draining, “what if” scenario about tomorrow.

We’ve been oddly waiting for, yet dreading, Mom’s cardiology appointment for months now.  Just thinking about taking her for the echocardiogram tomorrow makes my heart pound and my adrenaline pump a bit too hard. Its like my mind knows even before the doctor tells us, that things are worse.

I’m not being negative and its not a crisis of faith either.  I’ve seen her health go steadily downhill for the last year. It shows in her eyes, the color of her skin, in her walk, and as she catches her breath moving Daddy back and forth from their bed. Her weakened heart valves are not closing properly.  And I feel myself somehow chasing after her down this long steep hill, trying so very hard to catch up so I can fix things or at least patch them over for awhile longer.

I crave time to just sit and spill my thoughts about anything and everything.  She does the same.  The other day while dad was getting his teeth pulled, we couldn’t fit enough words in to our uninterrupted waiting time. If I could just soak up a bit more of her wisdom before…

I can't bear to think about her leaving me.  And I can’t even stand the thought of her being sick again, like with her brain surgery a few years ago. Today it feels like my heart is broken too. The responsibility and decisions of caring for Daddy are tremendous.  But it’s more about me not seeing her suffer, and wishing things could be better. 

I’d love to give her a taste of another life, one that allowed her and daddy to spend their “golden years” trolling through old antique malls, dining in quaint little restaurants, and going to worship together with their friends.  I’d love to see Daddy caring for her when she is ill, fixing her coffee, tucking her in at night, locking the doors and then kissing her cheek with assurance that all is well. But that won't be happening in this life.

We shall see tomorrow. Some sort of life changing verdict will be handed down and, as always, we will adjust, decide to make the best of it, and encourage each other to move on down the hill, hopefully hand in hand, in acceptance of her path.

One of these days the Lord will make it up to my mother.  He will bring her peace, joy, and hope that I’m sure she hasn’t experienced in…probably never. And in the meantime I am just gonna try really hard to live well, each day we are given, and be thankful.

Testimony

Dear Family,

It's been a little over four years since Andrew's diagnosis of FSGS/Nephtrotic Syndrome, and the many endocrine issues that followed.

He had a checkup with his kidney doctor two weeks ago, and the labs looked nearly normal except for still spilling a small amount of protein.  I think they will basically say, for the first time ever, that he's nearly in remission from the FSGS. 

Praise be to our God and Father! Initially we were told he'd likely need a kidney transplant at this point in his life. Instead we're celebrating his healing that has surprised even his doctor. 

It's been a long, grueling, beautiful journey marked with suffering, heart break, grief, joy, spiritual growth, and miracles on many levels.  Ya'll have continued to love us and cover us all in prayer during what has often felt like the valley of the shadow of death. There are just no words to describe how thankful we are for you, the body of Christ.

As a family, we've learned to let go of our plans/ expectations of life. The suffering has redirected us to walk hand in hand with the Lord one day at a time.  Though there have been times we've felt hopeless and wanted to give up, we've learned that the challenges didn't kill us.  And as horrible as things were for Andrew, he has learned to love God with all of his heart, and taken on a mature faith in our Father, early in life, that will see him through the years ahead.  Tommy and I’ve both recently said, we wouldn’t change a thing.  As radical as it may sound, we wouldn’t trade the physical trauma for the spiritual health he has gained in the process.

If there's a message we'd leave with others, its that regardless of whether God brings us a miracle of healing, or allows continued suffering, He...is...faithful. And He'll never leave us to navigate through the darkness alone.

Thank you Father God, and may your name, above anything else, be praised!  

With much love,

Tommy & Kerrie