Duty Calls

This evening I walked out to the trash can to empty the vacuum cleaner canister.  The chilly wind gusted around me while bits of rain hung in the air, suspended as if contemplating crying, just like me.  The tears hid beneath a thin veneer, artfully masked by my daily life.  I try not to go “there,” ‘cause “there” is a scary place where I think too hard and catch a brief glimpse into the deeper thoughts that hover among the tears.  And tonight like the rain, I can’t decide if I’m gonna release the sadness and embrace that desire to finally be where I belong. Like salt in a wound, part of me burns with disappointment for what was and for what is to come. And I feel a tugging on my soul to forever join Him.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt totally connected to this life.  Maybe I’m an oddity, a genetic mishap 'cause I don’t fully participate in this world. A current of expectations has led me along from one year to the next, though.  I’m busy, yes, doing lots of mommy duties and Christian deeds.  I’m mostly present and accounted for, usually.  Tonight, though, not so much.  I feel the pull and sense His presence in a way that makes my soul ache to leave this earth.

Its not that I’ve not had joy along the way, glimpses of smiles, and contentment that sneak past my longing to be finished. I do, and I’m thankful for those spontaneous blessings…Lydia’s hugs and Andrew’s talk of miracles. Tommy fixed coffee for me this morning when I over slept, and last night I watched as Luke danced, uninhibited, back to his room. Mom brought me a roast tonight that I know she’d really cooked for Daddy.  Its not that I don’t see and appreciate those precious joys, they make me smile.

But it doesn’t fill me up for long.  Some days more than others I hear myself telling Him that I’m ready. I often tilt my face upward to scan the dark skies as though somehow if I gaze long enough, I’ll see him “up there” in the pitch blackness hiding among the stars. I don’t. Even so, I'm comforted by His intimate presence, knowing that He hears my heart's cry.

Tonight, I felt the chill of wind and rain along with an indescribable need to finally rest in my Lord’s arms. Duty called me back, though, from the edge of eternity, the edge of pure joy, to rejoin my family who still needed me. Regretfully, I walked back through the door to my temporary home.  But not without whispering out into the cold now raining night, “I love you Lord, with all my heart I love you…”