I decided to join the
Upper Room fast this week, ‘cause fasting seems to help me deal with difficult
situations. Last time I fasted, it was
right after stopping my antidepressants.
It was a very beautiful time of total dependence on God. My rational, medically oriented mind said
denying my body of food after stopping meds I’d been on for over three years was just
plain stupid. But faith doesn’t abide by reason. Faith said
I was choosing to trust God to heal my depression, bridge the gaps, fill in the
missing pieces…Faith lets go of what I can see and reaches out to the One who
knows me best.
My fasting this week is stimulated by continued problems
with caffeine withdrawal, headaches, hot flashes, and sleep.
Yes, it’s all rooted in something that’s perfectly normal although
horribly humiliating to me. And that would be the awful, dreaded time in life
called menopause. Those valuable
hormones that have sustained me since I was 13, are now exiting my aging body
quite rudely and abruptly. I’m
embarrassed though, because it means I’m getting old saying “so long” to the
familiar, and acknowledging with or, perhaps without grace, another stage of life. And I’m just not sure how easily I’m going to
let go. It seems to be causing me some
grief, sadness, and fear about what to expect.
Maybe someone should write a book about what to expect when you’re
expecting…menopause?
Yesterday I was so sleep deprived from recurring hot flashes
and headaches that I felt like an idiot in Bible Class. We were divided into
groups of four and asked to pray. I
re-introduced myself to a young man in my group that didn’t know me other than
being Andrew’s mom. So I look over at
him and said, “You remember, I’m Andrew’s sister”. Obviously I’d intended to say, “Andrew’s
mom”. It took a full 15 seconds at
least, before I saw the looks on people’s faces letting me know I’d made another
verbal snafu. I corrected myself, and
although one young adult continued to laugh hard, it wasn’t funny to me. I then heard an old, ugly “tape” in my head,
reminding me of how stupid I felt.
When I was in elementary school, I was in some sort of
discussion with my dad. I can’t remember
the specifics but he got agitated at me, and said something that left a
permanent gouge in my self esteem. He
told me, “You’d be better to just keep your mouth shut, and then no one will
know how stupid you are.” Ouch. I’m,
afraid anyway of speaking out loud. Most
times, I don’t trust myself to get the words out correctly especially if I’m
tired. We’ve just attributed my occasional “slow brain” to old Dissociative
Identity issues, like an old scar that jolts me across some mental bumps in the
road. On difficult days I’ve been disoriented, and on some level thought I
was back in an earlier time frame. I’ve
told Tommy several times, “I’m not going to Longview today, maybe tomorrow.” What I meant
was Mesquite,
but for a bit of time, I couldn’t quit decipher where I was. We usually laugh
about it, and the kids know they have to think around my words to the real
meaning.
Anyway, after the group's laughing subsided yesterday, I refocused on our
task to pray for an individual. I told myself that my intellect was in no way connected to my ability to get my
thoughts formed into verbal communication.
Besides, the Lord was present. I
asked Him to speak through all of us and when it came time to pray, I did. I’m not sure what all I said, but I know
there was no stumbling. The Holy Spirit
has a way of bypassing our scars and fears and pouring out through even the
most broken souls willing to be used.
And I am willing.
So today, I will fast and draw near to my Father not just
about the headaches and hot flashes, but with eager anticipation of anything
and everything He wants to reveal. As
hard as it is to be thankful for the icky things in life, I’ll try to praise
God for this time of change in my life, knowing that He is preparing and using
my weaknesses to be a clear voice, for Him.
No comments:
Post a Comment