I am missing something. But unlike misplaced keys or lipstick, I haven’t quite known what “it” is. There’s been a general sense that is both unsettling and distracting, really just absolute fatigue. After some difficult relationship issues at work, I believe I’m missing, as in lonely for, a part of myself. Perhaps a shadow of whom I was a few years ago, writing my way through great heartache and leaning in to the Lord with an intimacy that can’t be described. And maybe I just need a reminder of who I am.
“Who I am”, has been challenged lately. Yes, the compassion, love, and dedication to caring for people, has been casually mocked and laid out bare as though I’m a joke. I’ve heard the terms “enabling,” “too nice”, as well people loudly mocking the way I interact with my patients over the phone. I’ve heard comments that I care too much, and should just do the basics and let things go. “Don’t worry” about it, “It’s not your problem,” and of course the most recent little tidbit of advice laughingly thrown out… “You need to be on Lexapro.”
I sat down with some worship music today, the first day of my needed Christmas vacation. I came home so angry last night after the latest comments were blurted out about me yesterday at work in front of coworkers. It does cause me to question myself, asking if there is something wrong with me. Am I so different? Maybe I should just blend…and then I was led to read back through my oldBlog.
In those posts, I didn’t see blending. I saw the heartache of Luke’s illness and re experienced the shear terror of trying to get back into nursing. But I also relived those priceless God moments and times of revelation. I realized I am missing that. I am missing listening to and hearing from God and then pouring my heart out to share with that one isolated reader. Those experiences are the brick and mortar of why I do what I do, why I love people so passionately and am so determined to make a difference.
I told Tommy last night as I was falling asleep, that being persecuted for doing good is still alive and present, if not in a more subtle form, just as painful.
However, the ugliness will only fuel my desire to make a difference. Blend? I will not. Those who have been touched by the Great Healer will not be silenced. In the name of Jesus…
"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do you light a candle and put it under a basket. Instead they put it on a lamp stand and it gives light to everyone in the house." Matthew 5:14