This morning I feel bound by the effects of fear in a way
that mimics my dad’s own physical paralysis.
I need to be able to go back to school to be licensed, but so much
trauma from my childhood abuse breakdown is entangled like a knotted mess in
and around my past nursing career.
When I think about nursing, I feel pain, no more like agony,
shame, absolute humiliation that my mental health crumbled in the midst of what
should have been a successful career.
Now I can’t separate the two well enough to get an objective outlook of
what I’m capable of.
Deep down, I know I’m a much different person, probably
better in many ways, than that young 20 something year old nurse. I’ve lived through some horrible times,
managed many crises, learned to love deeply, and minister from a spring of
healing that I know erupted from near fatal wounds.
It sounds like such a simple fix…go back to school, get re licensed and then get a job. Going back into nursing, though, is much more to me than taking an RN refresher course. Its about maneuvering around and sifting through the rubble from one of the most explosive, uncertain times of my life. Memories, like bombs, get triggered and I'm afraid that I'll end up just another casualty.
This morning my brain is being hammered with a pounding, barrage of what if’s…What if I go into emotional and mental lock down, meaning
that I’m so paralyzed by fear that I can’t go to classes or clinicals? What if I get sick inside with anxiety so
acute that I find myself physically rocking back and forth again in an attempt
to calm myself? What if I
can’t do the driving? What if this nearly 50 year old wanna be nurse can’t
adjust to all the changes? What if no one will hire me? What if this isn’t God’s
will at all, but just my own attempt to “fix” things my way rather than
waiting on God.
And truthfully the
worst, what if the glue that has held my dissociation safely together to function
as a mom and wife isn’t strong enough to allow me to withstand the stress of
starting over in a career? I could
dissociate…I could be humiliated … I could fail miserably...all – over – again.
People say to pray about it.
Yes, that's the Christian thing to do. I am and have been. There have been no clear “yes’s” heard by my
efforts, but the more heart breaking, situational “no’s” instead. Every other
door has been rudely closed on my inquiry. Even the simplest of jobs that I
know could be done well, have not opened even a smidgen.
So I say to myself, 'perhaps this is God steering me back to
being a nurse. Perhaps he is going to do
much more than give me a salary but teach me an excruciating lesson in trusting
Him. Maybe there will be some needed healing come along with this second chance. Perhaps it’s time to have my own “what if?” covered, humongous ego towed out of the way so that I can see Him.'
I’m trying hard this morning to envision another list of “what
if’s”? What if He shows me the way
through school and I find a low stress job that I love? What if my income blesses Tommy financially? What
if I learn to trust my Papa Father at an even deeper level? What if, along the way, I'm able to internalize that my worth isn't in what I do, but in who I follow?
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