Broken Hearts, Hand in Hand

I’m by myself today, probably the first time in a while.  There are a million things I need to be doing but my mind keeps trapping me in a relentless, mentally draining, “what if” scenario about tomorrow.

We’ve been oddly waiting for, yet dreading, Mom’s cardiology appointment for months now.  Just thinking about taking her for the echocardiogram tomorrow makes my heart pound and my adrenaline pump a bit too hard. Its like my mind knows even before the doctor tells us, that things are worse.

I’m not being negative and its not a crisis of faith either.  I’ve seen her health go steadily downhill for the last year. It shows in her eyes, the color of her skin, in her walk, and as she catches her breath moving Daddy back and forth from their bed. Her weakened heart valves are not closing properly.  And I feel myself somehow chasing after her down this long steep hill, trying so very hard to catch up so I can fix things or at least patch them over for awhile longer.

I crave time to just sit and spill my thoughts about anything and everything.  She does the same.  The other day while dad was getting his teeth pulled, we couldn’t fit enough words in to our uninterrupted waiting time. If I could just soak up a bit more of her wisdom before…

I can't bear to think about her leaving me.  And I can’t even stand the thought of her being sick again, like with her brain surgery a few years ago. Today it feels like my heart is broken too. The responsibility and decisions of caring for Daddy are tremendous.  But it’s more about me not seeing her suffer, and wishing things could be better. 

I’d love to give her a taste of another life, one that allowed her and daddy to spend their “golden years” trolling through old antique malls, dining in quaint little restaurants, and going to worship together with their friends.  I’d love to see Daddy caring for her when she is ill, fixing her coffee, tucking her in at night, locking the doors and then kissing her cheek with assurance that all is well. But that won't be happening in this life.

We shall see tomorrow. Some sort of life changing verdict will be handed down and, as always, we will adjust, decide to make the best of it, and encourage each other to move on down the hill, hopefully hand in hand, in acceptance of her path.

One of these days the Lord will make it up to my mother.  He will bring her peace, joy, and hope that I’m sure she hasn’t experienced in…probably never. And in the meantime I am just gonna try really hard to live well, each day we are given, and be thankful.