Ready or Not, Here I Come!

I looked at my empty pill compartment last week. It was time to fill the tiny cubicles with my daily supplements, mostly a mix of over-the-counter vitamins, fish oil, minerals....all except my anti-depressant. That little spherical substance has had me in a love - hate relationship for years. Although I detested becoming a repeat user of psychiatric meds, I was relieved and indebted to my doctor for prescribing it after Andrew was diagnosed with FSGS. And as expected, that tiny pill balanced me out within a few weeks, lifting a suffocating curtain of darkness. 

 

It’s been nearly three years since I began swallowing my daily mental health allotment. I’ve recently felt called, though, to exchange its crutch-like influence for total dependence on my Father. Ready or not, I wanted to throw aside my cane and hear my Papa say..."Get up and walk, girl, your faith has made you well.” I’ll not lie though. My rational side has spewed forth logical excuses for not releasing me in absolute abandonment to His healing.

 

The miracle I’ve experience on my lower back, however, has encouraged me. Recently, I’ve heard Him whisper to me in the early dark mornings, “Run, Kerrie, run!” Even today, I broke loose during my time outside. What an experience to jog down the street without wincing in pain, or merely limping along on the worst of days.

Now, I want to close my eyes to the rational once more, to experience His healing power over my depression.  It's not an easy thing for me to let go of the pills that’ve worked to stabilize me from landing in a permanent pit of despair. I’ve been reasoning though, if he's relieved back spasms and swelling, then surely He's able to fix the chemical imbalances in my weary, emotionally spent brain.  

But this isn’t merely about giving up prescriptions. I just long for more, that’s all...more of Him and of opportunities to walk out a life of faith, hand in hand with the Greatest Healer ever known. My heart cries out,  'Here I come, Papa!  Watch me straddle the edge of this old raft, balancing one foot down, with the other poised and ready to sprint across the waves to you!' Soon, I hope to see a vacant pill compartment on my counter and an abandoned raft drifting past shores of doubt.