Fasting ~ The Hungry Heart

Well, its day two of my all church fast about forgiveness.  I was afraid to do this.  Although I’ve tried many times to fast, I’ve never been able to complete the three days.  Anticipation of meeting with the Lord on a level that surpasses any intimacy I’ve ever known…that’s what has caused me to forge ahead of my fears. 

Anticipation of revelation, understanding, and freedom as Holy Spirit whispers to my spirit, knowing what I need, what I crave more than food.  Because through communion with my Papa, that hunger is filled.  I’ll be satisfied, thankful, and full of praise.  At least that’s what I’m hoping for.  So eagerly, like a little child, I’m waiting for my exquisite event with Him.

I half expected to wake up this morning famished and exhausted, but instead I woke up extra early, ahead of my alarm, and again…expectant.  Stepping out in trust just to let go of food seems such a silly thing, but I’m into anything that will bring me true joy. So I went outside with my coffee in hand to greet my Father with an empty stomach and a hungry heart.

In Psalms 50 I read something I thought was profound.  God told David that he didn’t care so much, didn’t even need his elaborate, extravagant animal sacrifices.  “I own them all anyway,” he said.  "What I really want is your true praise and thanksgiving.  Call on me during your hard times so that I can rescue you…and then you can give the glory to me." Praise is the real sacrifice He desires, at least that’s my street-wise understanding of what I read.

And it’s true, praise is a sacrifice, especially when life is disappointing me and I can’t see a way out.  Because praising God in spite of, requires me to give up a lot.  I have to give up expectations, and my controlling need to plan and fix.  I have to give up my natural instinct to worry, and surrender to the blunt truth that I’m not in charge. No matter how much manipulation I maneuver, I can’t “make” things happen.  True heartfelt, soul - baring praising God in all things, for me, means walking away from my right to complain and live in fear. Just the thought of exiting off that familiar road, feels like I’m leaving my security. But the Bible speaks truth.  I tend to blow off things others write, especially authors who appear to have, ahhhh, less soiled lives, thinking  ‘yeah, yeah, yeah, they just don’t get it’…but these scriptures are the real thing. And they are piercing me clean through.

It’s like He’s saying to me…"even more important than you having money to tithe lavishly, I want the most valuable sacrifice you can give to me.  I want your praise now, your thankfulness during the ‘awful awful, I will never be free of this,’ times. I want your unconditional love, Kerrie, that only you can surrender over to me.  And by the way…in return I can’t wait to rescue you so you can love and praise me even more.”

I’m thinking that forgiveness is going to tie in somewhere during the fast.  Perhaps it will more naturally flow out of a thankful heart?  We will see…